Mourning…

When we found out Naya had a brain bleed and hydrocephalus I had a really hard time with it.

As great as our NICU was, no one really took the time to explain to us what brain hemorrhage or hydrocephalus meant.   I mean I knew what the text book definition was, but what did it mean for us in the real world I had no idea.

I pictured my child in a wheelchair, void of intellectual capabilities.  I was angry, devastated.  and heartbroken.

It took me a long time to mourn what I thought my child would have been like had she been born at full term.  It hurt beyond belief.  It was a constant state of despair.  To have what parents fear the most happen to us.  I can’t even begin to describe the pain.

Adrian accepted it much quicker than I did.  And I think for the most part I’ve block out a lot of the emotions.  But I do remember thinking ‘What did I do to deserve this?’  I prayed and screamed.  Cried…and cried…..and begged.  And the surgeries kept coming….

I can’t say when it happened…I guess it was a gradual process, but eventually I accepted it.  I would say probably around the 2-3 year mark.  Or even later maybe.  I began to realize that despite everything, Naya was Naya.  She smiled….and showed us love.  It took her 2 years but she finally learned to walk….and at 3 years she finally started to eat solid food.  I began to see the light….I began to see her light.  =)