Yes, Post Partum Depression…I had it. And most people have said given everything we’d gone thru with Naya it was a given.
I was totally against medication while still breastfeeding. With Naya’s medical problems I didn’t want to add to them by putting drugs in my breast milk. So I suffered without….and so did she.
I’d struggled with my mood for years. Even being on SSRIs for 6 years in my 20’s. But prior to getting pregnant I had been medication free for 4 years!! And SO proud of it. But after giving birth, the depression and anxiety was nothing like I’d ever experienced.
I was in a constant state of panic. I hated being alone…I was scared to be alone. I was accomplished in my life and in my career and all of a sudden my world was dark and gloomy.
I begged my husband not to go to work. At 5am I would panic like the world was coming to an end. I finally understood how mothers could leave their families and their children with out any explanation at all. And I understood the despair…it was so bad that I couldn’t function, I couldn’t do anything.
I’d lost all my baby weight and then some. I weighed 10-15lbs less than prepregnancy weight. I didn’t eat but was still pumping milk 4-6 times a day. Everything my body had went into the breastmilk…because I certainly didn’t eat enough for the both of us. There were times when all I wanted to do was sleep…and I would just put Naya in the bouncy chair because I knew she was safe there. This little being that I was supposed to be madly in love with, all I wanted was for her to sleep and leave me alone. My friends who saw me didn’t even recognize me…and every time I saw someone, I cried.
I don’t remember when it was, maybe when Naya was around 10mths old, I recognized that my neglect for my child was going to start impacting her more negatively than any antidepressant would. So I started on anti anxiety and anti depressant medication….and slowly, the dark clouds lifted. By the time Naya was 14mths old…I finally felt like myself again. Thank goodness for the both of us